Dear Anh, after reviewing the 6 essays you submitted to Pombeebee for grading I noticed your writing score is averaging band 6.

1) Task 2 essay: Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? 

2) Task 2 essay: What are the pros and cons of using public transport ?

3) Task 2 essay: If we want to save the future of the planet, we will have to drastically change our way of life. What is your opinion?

4) Task 2 essay: Some say giving charity helps reduce poverty, whereas other insist it makes the problem worse, discuss both views and give your own opinion.

5) Task 2 essay: In recent years, many governments have brought in laws to ban smoking in public places, such as bars, restaurants and offices. To what extend do you agree or disagree with banning smoking in public.

6) Task 2 essay: All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. That are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?

Here is my analysis and advice how you can increase your writing score to band 8: 

——————————————————————————————

Task achievement analysis:

1) Understanding the Question

In some essays, the understanding of the question was too general. For example, in the essay about public transport, you discussed both pros and cons but did not provide specific examples or data that would strengthen your points.

Always ensure you fully understand what the question is asking. Identify all parts of the question (e.g., reasons and solutions, pros and cons) and make sure you address each part comprehensively.

Example: For the question about online socializing, instead of just stating that teenagers prefer online interaction due to introversion, you could explain how specific features of social media, such as anonymity or ease of access, encourage this behavior.

2) Developing Ideas in Depth

Several essays lacked depth in explaining the reasons or solutions. For instance, you mentioned the dangers of cyberbullying without providing specific examples or detailed support.

For each main point, provide a detailed explanation and, if possible, an example. Depth in your argument shows a deeper understanding and helps to demonstrate your ability to analyze the topic.

Example: If discussing the impact of social media on teenagers, you could expand by saying, "Social media platforms often use algorithms that keep users engaged for longer periods, reducing their inclination to participate in face-to-face interactions."

3) Clear and Relevant Examples

Several examples were relevant but not fully developed. For example, you mentioned fast food as a cause of obesity but didn’t explain why it is so popular or how it directly contributes to obesity.

When using examples, make sure they directly support the point you’re making. Explain the connection between the example and the argument.

Example: Instead of just mentioning fast food as unhealthy, you could add, "Fast food is often cheaper and more accessible than healthy meals, leading to frequent consumption among time-pressed individuals, which contributes significantly to obesity."

4) Addressing Counterarguments

The argument against a ban on smoking in public places was not fully developed. The essay was stronger in supporting the ban but weaker in considering the opposing view.

Always acknowledge counterarguments and address them adequately. This balance shows critical thinking and a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Example: After discussing the benefits of banning smoking, you could add, "However, critics argue that such bans infringe on personal freedom, and suggest that designated smoking areas could be a compromise."

5) Structuring the Conclusion

Conclusions were sometimes repetitive or failed to add new insight. For instance, in your essay on public transport, the conclusion simply restated points made earlier.

A conclusion should summarize the main points but also provide a final thought or implication. Avoid mere repetition.

Example: For a stronger conclusion, you could say, "While public transport has its drawbacks, its environmental and social benefits suggest that investing in improving these systems could address many of the current limitations."

Guide to Optimizing Your Task Achievement Score

1) Fully Address All Parts of the Question

Advice: Break down the prompt into its components and ensure each one is addressed in your essay.

Example: If the question asks for reasons and solutions, make sure to allocate equal space to both, providing specific examples for each.

2) Develop Ideas with Clear, Detailed Examples

Advice: For every main point, add depth by explaining why it’s relevant and supporting it with a specific example or case study.

Example: When discussing the popularity of social media, you could include statistics or studies showing increased usage among teenagers.

3) Ensure Logical Flow and Coherence

Advice: Use linking words and phrases to ensure your ideas flow logically from one to the next. This makes your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.

Example: Start paragraphs with phrases like "In addition," "However," or "As a result," to guide the reader through your argument.

4) Acknowledge and Address Counterarguments

Advice: Present the opposing view and refute it with evidence. This makes your argument stronger and more balanced.

Example: After presenting a solution, consider possible criticisms and explain why your solution still holds.

5) End with a Strong, Reflective Conclusion

Advice: Conclude by summarizing your main points and offering a final insight, prediction, or recommendation that reflects the implications of your argument.

Example: After discussing solutions to online socializing, you could conclude by predicting how these changes might influence future social interactions among teenagers.

——————————————————————————————

Coherence and cohesion analysis:

1) Organizing Ideas into Clear Paragraphs

Several paragraphs in your essays were too long, covering multiple ideas. This made it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. 

For example, in the essay about socializing online, a single paragraph covered both the benefits and drawbacks of online communication.

Each paragraph should focus on a single idea. Begin with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. If you have multiple points to make, break them into separate paragraphs.

Example: In the essay on socializing online, create separate paragraphs for the benefits of online communication and the drawbacks, instead of combining them into one long paragraph.

2) Using Cohesive Devices Effectively

While you used some linking words and phrases, the transitions between ideas were sometimes abrupt or repetitive. For example, in the essay on smoking, the use of cohesive devices like "Moreover" and "On the other hand" was somewhat mechanical.

Use a variety of cohesive devices to connect your ideas smoothly. Phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Conversely" can help maintain the flow of your essay. Also, ensure that each cohesive device is appropriate for the context.

Example: Instead of repeating "Moreover" multiple times, you could use "Furthermore" for additional points and "However" to introduce contrasting ideas.

3) Avoiding Repetition

There were repetition of ideas in your essays, which affected the overall cohesion. For instance, in the essay on public transport, the conclusion repeated points already made in the body paragraphs without adding new insight.

Avoid repeating the same ideas in different parts of the essay. Instead, use the conclusion to summarize the main points and provide a final thought or recommendation that ties everything together.

Example: In the public transport essay, instead of repeating the same points, you could conclude by discussing the broader implications of using public transport, such as long-term environmental benefits.

4) Ensuring Logical Flow Between Sentences

The flow between sentences and paragraphs was sometimes weak. For example, in the essay about obesity, the connection between "mental work" and "laziness in daily life" was not clearly explained, which affected the coherence of the argument.

Ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. Use linking phrases to clarify the relationship between ideas. For example, if you introduce a cause and effect, make sure the effect is directly linked to the cause.

Example: When discussing how an inactive lifestyle contributes to obesity, you could say, "As people spend more time on mental work, they may neglect physical activity, leading to an increase in obesity."

5) Structuring Complex Ideas

In some cases, complex ideas were not clearly structured within paragraphs, making it hard for the reader to understand your point. For example, the essay on changing lifestyles to save the planet introduced several related ideas without clearly linking them.

Break down complex ideas into smaller, more manageable parts within a paragraph. Use clear topic sentences to introduce each part, and ensure that each subsequent sentence builds on the previous one.

Example: When discussing environmental issues, you could structure the paragraph by first introducing the problem (e.g., overexploitation of resources), then explaining its impact, and finally suggesting a solution.

Guide to Optimizing Your Coherence and Cohesion Score

1) Use Clear Paragraph Structure

Advice: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Follow with supporting details and examples. Avoid mixing multiple ideas in one paragraph.

Example: If discussing the impact of online communication, dedicate one paragraph to its benefits and another to its drawbacks, each with its own topic sentence.

2) Vary Your Cohesive Devices

Advice: Use a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly. Avoid overusing the same phrases. Ensure that each cohesive device fits the context of the sentence or paragraph.

Example: Instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," you could use "Additionally," "Furthermore," or "In contrast," depending on the context.

3) Ensure Logical Flow

Advice: Check that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. Use linking words and phrases to clarify the relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect, comparison, or contrast.

Example: When transitioning from discussing the benefits of a lifestyle change to its challenges, you could use "However" or "On the other hand" to signal a shift in the argument.

4) Avoid Repetition

Advice: Ensure that your conclusion adds value rather than simply repeating points made in the body paragraphs. Use it to summarize the main ideas and offer a final insight or recommendation.

Example: Instead of repeating points, you could conclude by reflecting on the broader impact of your argument, such as how lifestyle changes could influence future generations.

5) Structure Complex Ideas Clearly

Advice: When presenting complex ideas, break them down into smaller parts. Use topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument, and ensure that each part is clearly connected to the others.

Example: If discussing multiple factors contributing to a problem, introduce each factor in its own paragraph, ensuring that each one builds on the previous discussion.

—————————————————————————————

Lexical resource analysis:

1) Use of Appropriate Vocabulary

In your essays, some word choices were incorrect or awkward, such as "rise the opportunities" instead of "increase opportunities" or "fat food" instead of "fast food."

Focus on using precise vocabulary that accurately conveys your ideas. Avoid using words or phrases that you are unsure about. If you’re unsure, it's better to choose simpler, more familiar words.

Example: Instead of saying "rise the opportunities," you could say "increase opportunities." This is a more precise and natural way to express the idea.

2) Expanding Vocabulary Range

There was some repetition of basic vocabulary, such as "social media," "people," and "online." This limited the range of your lexical resource.

Work on expanding your vocabulary by learning synonyms and different ways to express similar ideas. Use varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and demonstrate a broader range of language.

Example: Instead of repeatedly using "social media," you could use synonyms like "social networks," "online platforms," or "digital communication tools."

3) Correct Use of Word Forms and Collocations

Incorrect word forms and collocations were noticeable, such as "lossing of ability" instead of "loss of ability" and "participating in traffic" instead of "on the road."

Pay attention to word forms (nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc.) and common collocations (words that frequently go together). This will help you use vocabulary more accurately.

Example: Instead of saying "participating in traffic," say "on the road" or "in traffic," which are more natural collocations.

4) Avoiding Spelling Errors

Spelling errors like "comunicating" instead of "communicating" and "contries" instead of "countries" were present in your essays.

Always proofread your essays to catch spelling mistakes. Use spell check tools if necessary. Correct spelling is important for demonstrating strong lexical resource.

Example: After finishing your essay, take a few minutes to carefully review it for any spelling errors, ensuring that words like "communicating" and "countries" are spelled correctly.

5) Introducing Advanced Vocabulary and Idiomatic Expressions

While your essays included some good vocabulary, there were missed opportunities to use more advanced words and idiomatic expressions, especially in higher-band essays.

Gradually incorporate more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions into your writing. This demonstrates a higher level of lexical proficiency, which is necessary for a Band 8 score.

Example: Instead of saying "make people on weight," you could say "cause people to gain weight," or use a more advanced expression like "contribute to weight gain."

Guide to Optimizing Your Lexical Resource Score

1) Focus on Precision in Word Choice

Advice: Always choose words that clearly and accurately convey your meaning. Avoid using words that you are unsure about or that sound unnatural.

Example: If you want to express an increase in something, instead of saying "rise the opportunities," use "increase opportunities," which is more precise and appropriate.

2) Expand Your Vocabulary with Synonyms

Advice: Learn and practice using synonyms for common words. This helps you avoid repetition and demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.

Example: Instead of using "social media" repeatedly, vary it with synonyms like "digital platforms," "online communities," or "social networks.”

3) Master Word Forms and Collocations

Advice: Study word forms (e.g., noun, verb, adjective) and common collocations (words that naturally go together). This will help you use vocabulary more accurately and naturally.

Example: Use correct collocations like "in traffic" instead of "participating in traffic" and "loss of ability" instead of "lossing of ability."

4) Proofread for Spelling and Minor Errors

Advice: Always proofread your essays to catch and correct spelling errors. This small step can make a big difference in your overall score.

Example: After writing your essay, spend a few minutes checking for spelling errors and correcting them, like "communicating" instead of "comunicating."

5) Incorporate Advanced Vocabulary and Idioms

Advice: Gradually introduce more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions into your essays. This shows a higher level of language proficiency.

Example: Use phrases like "contribute to weight gain" instead of "put people on weight" to express your ideas in a more sophisticated way.

—————————————————————————————

Grammatical range and accuracy analysis:

1) Correcting Subject-Verb Agreement and Tense Consistency

In your essays, there were errors in subject-verb agreement and inconsistent tense usage, such as "comunicating online make them less shy" instead of "communicating online makes them less shy."

Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number (singular/plural), and maintain consistent tense throughout your essay.

Example: When writing about a general fact, use the present tense consistently: "Communicating online makes introverted people feel less shy."

2) Enhancing Sentence Structure Variety

Many sentences in your essays followed a similar pattern, leading to a lack of variety. For example, "Traveling by public transport also has disadvantages" could be more engaging.

Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences, to enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing.

Example: Instead of saying, "Traveling by public transport also has disadvantages," you could write, "While public transport offers numerous benefits, it also presents several drawbacks, particularly regarding time flexibility."

3) Correct Use of Articles and Prepositions

There were errors with articles and prepositions, such as "Youngsters may being traumatized by the bad peple in the Internet" instead of "Youngsters may be traumatized by bad people on the Internet."

Review the rules for using articles (a, an, the) and prepositions (in, on, at, etc.), and apply them correctly in your writing.

Example Application: Instead of "in the Internet," use "on the Internet," which is the correct preposition for online contexts.

4) Improving Complex Sentence Accuracy

Some complex sentences were either incorrect or awkward, such as "Otherwise, it is also rise the opportunities to meet new people."

When constructing complex sentences, ensure that the clauses are correctly linked and that the sentence structure is smooth.

Example: Revise the sentence to be more accurate: "Additionally, it also increases opportunities to meet new people."

5) Using Punctuation Correctly

Punctuation errors, particularly with commas, were present in your essays, affecting the clarity of your writing. For example, "I think if the authorities can not enact any prohibition" would benefit from clearer punctuation.

Use commas to separate clauses and ensure that punctuation helps clarify the meaning of your sentences.

Example: Revise the sentence for clarity: "I believe that if the authorities cannot enact a full prohibition, they should consider other measures.”

Guide to Optimizing Your Grammatical Range and Accuracy Score

1) Master Subject-Verb Agreement and Tense Consistency

Advice: Focus on ensuring that your subjects and verbs agree, and that your tenses remain consistent throughout the essay.

Example Application: If you start a sentence in the present tense, like "People now tend to sit," make sure the whole sentence follows this tense, "and rarely engage in outdoor activities."

2) Practice Varied Sentence Structures

Advice: Incorporate a mix of sentence types in your writing. Use a balance of simple, compound, and complex sentences to create a more dynamic essay.

Example: Instead of only using simple sentences, mix them with more complex ones: "While fast food is convenient, it often leads to unhealthy eating habits, particularly among busy professionals and students."

3) Review Articles and Prepositions

Advice: Regularly practice the correct use of articles and prepositions. These small words can significantly impact the accuracy and fluency of your writing.

Example: Correctly use articles: "The rise in obesity across all generations is caused by poor eating habits."

4) Focus on Clear and Accurate Complex Sentences

Advice: When writing complex sentences, ensure that each clause is correctly structured and that the overall sentence flows smoothly. Avoid unnecessary complexity.

Example Application: Simplify and correct complex sentences: "If governments cannot ban smoking entirely, they should at least implement restrictions in public areas."

5) Use Punctuation Effectively

Advice: Pay attention to punctuation, particularly commas, to help clarify your sentences. Proper punctuation improves the readability and coherence of your essay.

Example: Correctly place commas: "Smoking should be banned in public places, as it poses significant health risks to everyone."